All over

BFN this morning - and period is here in all its forces. Mourning really - I suppose that is what the grief is - something I had - is gone. I know my husband is really upset for me - tho I suspect he is kinda relieved for himself- and that makes me feel all the sadder.

I am not doing it again with him kicking and screaming all the way!

Brown spotting

The end is nigh - brown spotting started this afternoon. If it hasn't turned into full on flow by tomorrow am - I will pee on a stick. Bugger bugger bugger bugger - I was sooo hoping for a miracle. And the really sad thing is - like the arrival of every period for the past three years - I still manage to convince myself that some how it might stop at the brown stage - and I might still have a baby in 9 months. It feels truly pathetic.

Too scared to poas

It's Monday night in Australia - 12dp2dt (last post I was a day ahead of myself as was acutally only 8dp) - and no sign of my period - and also no sign of any real symptoms.

I am too scared to poas. How long can I leave it - I suppose I will have to tomorrow if still no sign of period.

I am enjoying holding on to the hope - and the pee sticks could well smash that to smithers- sad I know.

My clinic wants me to pee on thursday on a special stick they gave me - I am sure I am not going to wait that long.

9dp2dt - give or take a few hours

It feels like 'day 26 in the big brother house and everyone is still asleep' - not much going on inside. Have felt slightly sick the last two mornings - but I often do in the days before my period. I have been exhausted but that is jetlag as I have been waking at 1am until 3 or 4. I have been hugely gassy but that is the progesterone. Mmmm all that sounds like a lot going on.

I haven't poas - as over the year I have poas soooo many times - and the snow white screen is the stuff of my own personal horror movie. I am going to wait until early next week. I start work on Monday - so will try and leave it until Tuesday. Here is hoping I get that far.

I am off to Palm Beach (just north of sydney) for the weekend - friends have rented a tree house. It should be great - they are lovely friends - but they drink A LOT. I am going to try and just pretend to sip - and if quized am going to liar about taking anitbiotics or some such thing.

I am missing my husband more than you can believe - and can summon up a river of tears - just wishing he was here to give me a hug.