minimenow

Negative beta...

2011-07-19T03:12:00.000-07:00

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

Everything about this FET has been easy and relaxed.

BEST clinic... BEST transfer... Most relaxed... No husband freak out.

26 year old egg...

But there we are... my beta was negative.

Is that it now? Most likely.

The WAIT....

2011-07-09T18:44:00.000-07:00

Finally - I had my transfer yesterday (Saturday) after an agonising hour and half waiting to hear if the embryo survived. It had but had lost about 20percent of its cells (it was a blastocyst). The embryologist was positive about it - saying blastocysts often do... etc etc.

Transfer was incredibly easy - especially after some of the dreadful ones I have had.

I am now on a serious quantity of drugs - and for the first time in 7 cycles - or is it 8 - I am pleased to say - I have lost track, I am doing progesterone in oil - Gestone - and man o man is it a big needle.

I did the first one - last night - on my own - and had real problems pushing the plunger - not sure what I was doing wrong. Might have a few more goes before doing tonights.

Bit disappointed didn't get to do the IVIG - the clinic is so famous... and infamous for.... but hey they are the expects.

Very impressed with the whole operation at posh London clinic...

On a proper 24 hour bed rest - and it is back to Germany/Hubby on Monday.

Beta is 19th of July.

Final and finally FET

2011-07-07T08:18:00.000-07:00

It has almost been a year... since I have posted. And what a dreadful year... My mum died suddenly days after my last post. And life will never be the same.

I am poised to do my final FET at very posh London clinic... the one I should have gone to in the very first place.

And good news today - my progesterone levels have risen nicely and transfer may be TOMORROW.

Slightly shocked - as am doing a 'natural' cycle - and my cycles are pretty much all over the shop these days - so I was expecting for it to be cancelled.

Having said that - I have to have another blood test tomorrow morning before they make the final decision - and my one and only frozen embryo has to survive the thaw.

But I am feeling relaxed and confident.

I am going into this relying on the experts and for the first time I haven't tried to micro manage and take charge. I am expecting to do the full monty - IVIG - and all the other bits ARGC throw at you.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Negative beta

2010-08-19T12:11:00.000-07:00

Thanks everybody - your comments have all made me feel like I am not in this alone.

Again - sorry - I can not reply to most - especially music maker (lovely to hear from you and I have been thinking of you often) and roccie road (you are not a selfish cow)

Beta day was as expected a bastard - the highlight was the dopey nurse trying to suggest I had come in too early when I rang in the afternoon for the results. It did hit home to me again - what a mistake doing a 5 day transfer was - cause clearly the nurse seemed to have never heard of it.

Anyway - this isn't going to be a bitter rant. Perhaps I will save that for another day or anyone in London looking for good fertility clinic - contact me - and I will tell you where not to go.

My lovely donor sent me an email saying how upset she was it hadn't worked... and that she hadn't know how she would feel - but she is ready to go again - if I want.

What a girl.

And needless to say my husband is beside himself with remorse for not wanting me to put two back.

But once the dust has settled - the question will be what to do with the frozen embryo. The thought of putting anymore money in those peoples pockets truly makes me feel sick.

Anyone ever taken their frozen embryo to another clinic?

9dp5dt

2010-08-17T22:52:00.000-07:00

I can't think of a more inspired headline - as this cycle is all over.

Beta day today - but I have peed on a stick the last two mornings - and not even a hint of a line.

I had a big cry last night- but am doing okay.

I have the one frozen embryo - but perhaps think it is time to move on.

3dp5dt

2010-08-11T23:39:00.000-07:00

Feeling a lot more positive - sorry for the previous 'downer' posts.

Just when I was wondering if I would have any symptoms this cycle - they hit last night in a wave.

A dull super long burst of cramping - not as sharp as period pain - but of equal intensity.

Slightly sore boobs - tho now I think about it - I had them before transfer too for a bit - so thanks progesterone.

My husband says I am very 'smelly' - thanks hubby - but I know what he means - even I can smell myself.

I keep reminding myself - I have a 26 year olds egg inside me (I hope!!) - it has got to have a good chance of working.

Speaking of work - can I say how much I have enjoyed pottering around the flat - doing mostly nothing. I have spent a bit too much time googling - but hey.

We ended up with only one other explanding blastocyst to freeze - the others were too fragmented. Not a great outcome from a collection of 11 eggs - but I only want ONE baby. Please universe.

P.S

I still can't reply to anyones comments - what am I doing wrong.

What drama!

2010-08-09T15:28:00.000-07:00

Embryo transfer went ahead yesterday - day 5 - but was not without drama - and I wish I could feel more positive.

The day 3 v day 5 issue with the clinic was easily ish resolved - and on Friday - day 2 - all ten embryos were looking good. Clinic rang again on Saturday morning - to say 6 embryos were excellent 8 cells - and the others were just a little behind.

Yesterday morning (day 5)- when I was in the shower - they left a message on my voice phone to say - embryos doing 'well' - and all was on course for 2pm transfer.

Hubby and I had talked about number to put back - and my donor being so young - and our desire not to have twins had us fixed on putting back one.

Having been through this so many times - my hubby walked me to the clinic - said goodbye out the front- and again mentioned only one.

Yes - you can guess what is going to happen.

Up in the seat - awaiting transfer - embryologist and doctor join me. 9 of the Ten are still alive - but 4 are quite so slow - and of the five at blastocyst stage only 2 are where they should be.. but even then are still a little behind - as in they had not fully expanded. Embryologist is suggesting I put back two. The doctor - who through out the whole process has been in favor of only putting one - is also suggesting two.

I briefly consider just saying yes - but with hubby's 'only one' voice in my ear - I ask if I can ring him.

So now - in my gown with bottom exposed - I am out in the corridor on my mobile - trying to convince my husband I am not trying to pull a 'swifty' (once a suspicious journalist, always a suspicious journalist - and end up with twins on purpose. 'But we had a deal - only one' - he keeps saying.

The mobile reception keeps dropping out - and I have to keep ringing him back - eventually I put him on to the embryologist - who only seems to wind him up further.

I give in - and have 'only one put back' - and am now searching for hope.

On the plus sides - the transfer was very easy - and for the first time - I got to stay laying down on the bed for 30 mins.

It is the only blastocyst - I have ever had put back inside me... even if it isn't expanded like it should be.

And I have got a week off work to chill out.

Needless to say - in the calm light of evening at home - and my less stressed explanation - my husband now keeps saying 'we should have put back two'.

I am trying not to be disappointed... and think positive thoughts.

PS - ladies who left lovely comments on my last post - I have tried to reply - but your blogs won't let me. Not sure what I am doing wrong. So forgive my rudeness.

A decent haul

2010-08-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

Hello

Egg collection went well - and we have 10 embryos.

Clinic's lab is suggesting a day 3 transfer on Saturday - I of course want to aim for day 5 on Monday.

I can't seem to get out of them - how often they do blastocyst transfer - or why they are suggesting day 3.

And have left it - that they will ring on Saturday to tell me what they are looking like - and if it is not so good - I will transfer then otherwise wait to Monday.

One of the main reasons I want a 5 day transfer - is because I want to just put one back - and I want it to be the right one.

My husband is freaked out at the idea of twins - and I think I will be hard pressed to convince him to put back two on day 3.

Any thoughts about labs that want to do day 3 transfer on young donor eggs? Are they just crap - and are poorly staffed?

Back in the saddle

2010-07-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened - and while I still read all your blogs - I haven't felt like blogging. In fact - I wondered whether I would at all this cycle.

Yes - I am cycling - with a lovely young egg donor. She is 26 - smart and beautiful - and just a truly delightful person.

How did we get here - it is a long story.... I will tell another time.

Crucial information to date - donor has some 15 follicles - ranging in size from 15mm to 8mm. She has been on very low dose gonal5 for 6 days - and is back at the clinic on Monday. I suspect she will trigger Monday night or maybe Tuesday. They are concerned a little about OHSS - so are taking it very low and slow.

I had my lining check yesterday and all is good - at 9mm.

More to come.

Big fat negative

2009-12-18T08:54:00.000-08:00

Negative - as expected. I am numb. No plan B - that is it.

beta now on Friday 18th

2009-12-14T04:52:00.000-08:00

The complete lack of symptoms has prompted me to ask Doc if I can bring beta forward to Friday 18th - she has said Yes. (Thanks Tiffany for your comment - I couldn't reply to your blog - but it did make me feel better).

I had accupuncture yesterday and the woman doing it asked me how I was - I said fine. Then she took my pulse and said dear o dear - what is going on with your digestion. She was right - I had spent a lot of the morning in the toilet.

I was putting it down to a hot thai green curry the night before. But it is worth reminding my self - I am not a machine.

My job offer has turned out to be a quarter of a post - rather disappointing.

Roll on Friday.

7dp 3dt

2009-12-13T07:06:00.001-08:00

I am praying for symptoms - but so far have barely managed a twinge in the boobs. I am holding them up as the yard stick to whether this has worked or not. The two cycles where I have at least been a little bit pregnant - I had sore boobs on and off. The one I didn't - I wasn't at all.

I am again also wondering if I will pee on a stick before 21st or if I can bring beta forward to this Friday.

I have been feeling slightly sick for the last three or four days but I put that down to the drugs.

Also - I got the job following my interview last week.

Please please let it work this time - it HAS to work.

4dp 3dt

2009-12-10T09:40:00.000-08:00

Not much to report - nothing much on the symptom front. No sore boobs/nipples this time - I did get struck but an almighty wave of tiredness last night but that may still be residual jet lag and all the progesterone I am on.

The job interview the day after transfer was a bit of a disaster and I am worried I got my self wound up into such a state - I made it hard for growing embryos.

Not sure about whether I am going to do pee sticks this time or not. I never have before beta and then have always been in such a mess on beta day waiting for the phone call.

Beta is quite late this time - I will be 14dp/3dt - so I could pee a lot earlier.

I will see how I am feeling on the symptom front.

Beta on December 21st.

2009-12-08T04:53:00.000-08:00

Two embryos survived the thaw (one didn't) - and were put back in yesterday (monday).
Doc didn't rave about them like last time. She said they had done well - the 8 cell had turned into a morula and the six cell had turned into 8 cells. But she kept going on about the changes in the IVF laws here next year and I kept saying I am confident I won't have to bother with it. Ha - if only I was sooooo confident.

I have been home trying to take it easy - but had a job interview tonight with work in London - so have spent the day stressing/swotting up - it went okay. I don't know why I did swot - cause nothing I learnt did me any good. I have also got a nasty cold - just a head cold - but never the less - it is annoying cause I have been so healthy.

I am sure it is my sister's kids - but as she is my lovely donor - I can hardly complain.

Beta on December 21st.

On track

2009-12-05T23:18:00.001-08:00

All is on track for transfer at 12.10 tomorrow (Monday). I am doing accupuncture before and after for the first time. And also using clexane for the first time.

I hope I end up with two to transfer.

Transfer on Monday 7th

2009-12-01T09:17:00.000-08:00

My passport arrived on Saturday and I lept on a plane on Sunday night... arrived Tuesday (Australian time) morning at 8am - and at 11am was at my docs office having a wanding.

All looks good for a Monday transfer - tho she wants me to have a blood test on Friday to make sure progersterone is low enough.

We talked a lot about Lovenox and Clexane - and I am taking Clexane this cycle (a blood thinner).

She told me with most people she thought the success or not of the transfer was down to 95% embryo - %5 environment. But with me she thought it was 10 to 15% environment.
This is because of my evil fibroids.

Any day now!!

2009-11-25T21:47:00.000-08:00

The good news is my indefinite leave to remain visa for the UK has been approved - the bad news is I still haven't got my passport back.

I am booked into see Melbourne doctor on Tuesday - but if I don't have passport by close of business tomorrow (Friday) - I am not going to be there. I was hoping to get a plane Sunday night.

Still - as long as we are on track for December FET - what is a few more days I suppose.

I have been sniffing and taking progynova for almost a month - what must be going on inside me... I wonder if your lining can be too thick.

Heading towards FET

2009-10-27T07:55:00.000-07:00

It has been more than 3 months now - and finally I get no second line on the pee stick. Boo hoo - but it is good really. It broke my heart everytime I got that magic second line - but no baby.

And I am heading towards my first FET. Besides the pee sticks - the other thing that has been holding me back is my absent passport.

I have applied for a visa which will allow me to stay forever in the UK - without having to apply for another bloody visa - hooray!! Except it is taking a mighty long time to come back.

I am now on week 11 - with most people getting them between week 10 and 14.... so I wish it would hurry up as I am keen to do this FET before the law changes in Australia and I have to pay through the nose.

I have taken it upon myself to start sniffing - as I no longer think my cycles are regular enough to just do a natural FET. I have gone from a 25/26 day cycle girl - to 31/36 day this last month!! I wonder if it could be the dreaded menopause.

I emailed doctor in Melbourne today - and she said not to sniff if I thought I would be there before or around day 10 - but as that is only 8 days away and still have no passport and post office is striking left, right and centre - it is not bloody likely.

Beta falling

2009-07-13T05:41:00.000-07:00

HPTs continued to get slightly lighter - and yesterday (Sunday) I started spotting.

This morning it was now a full bright red flow - went for Beta test anyway - and it has dropped to 96 from 134 last week.

I don't suppose I will ever know if it was a new pregnancy or left over from the miscarriage.

Boooo hoooo. I wish I hadn't let myself get my hopes up. It is all too much straight off the back of recent miscarriage just 5 weeks ago.

Mad woman

2009-07-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

As the heading suggests I have become one!!

I have been peeing on sticks like one anyway.

And the second line on the sticks is getting lighter!!

I am preparing myself for the worst. And also I have stopped feeling so quesy. I wouldn't say I feel fine or normal even - but that feeling of being pregnant is going.

As I said I am preparing for this mirarcle to be over. I don't want it to be. I want to be a mum - not a mad woman.

2nd Beta is on Monday.

Surprise beta of 134

2009-07-09T09:37:00.000-07:00

Finally found somewhere to have a beta blood test today - it aint easy when you haven't got an IVF doctor.

I went to my GP and he thought I should have a blood test in August - not bloody likely.

Anyway at great expense to the management - at a very posh private clinic - I have a beta of 134!!

God only knows what day it is past ovulation - if indeed I did ovulate.

I suppose that is the issue - and if I didn't feel so pregnant I would think it was just left over HCG from the miscarriage.

But the wave of quesyness has hit me - just like it did when I was pregnant last month.

The proof will be in a repeat beta on Sunday - won't know results until Monday.

Weird positive HPT

2009-07-06T19:19:00.000-07:00

It is 4 weeks tomorrow since I started to miscarry - and it was a week of solid bleeding and then a few days of brown stuff.

Weirdly - I have been thinking period must be due again shortly but was preparing myself for an extra long cycle cause of the ill fated pregnancy etc etc.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling slightly 'odd' and thought what the hell - and promptly peed on a HPT and got an instant strong positvie second line. Not a wait 5 mins and stare at it holding under a light - but a super strong line straight away.

Needless to say I spent the rest of the afternoon on Dr Google reading about how hcg can stay in your blood for 4 to 6 weeks.

I didn't end up having a d and c as I went for a scan three days after starting to bleed and doc said sac was gone etc. And as I hoped on a plane back to London several days later I have had no blood tests to see if HCG went back to zero.

I can't imagine at my age and with husband's dodgy sperm we could possibly have got pregnant the old fashioned way!!

I have emailed my doc in Australia who says to go have several betas to see which way HCG is going.

Praying for a mirarcle.

Groan

2009-06-09T22:36:00.000-07:00

I have been having period like cramps for days and have just started to bleed. My scan is on Friday. But Doc has told me to still prepare for d & c - i.e no breakfast on Friday morning.

My lovely sister is also having a grim time - she has found with previous two cycles - this part is always the hardest. She is waiting for her first proper period - and has been having cramps and feeling crap.

I feel so bad - as she has gone through this for me.

We are both eating like horses.

All over

2009-06-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

I had my six week six day scan this morning - and while the sac was much bigger - it was completely empty.

I held on hope for the hour or so after until I saw my doctor - almost the first thing said was 'well at least we know one hundred percent there is no baby in the there' - to which I promptly burst into tears.

I knew it - but I was still kinda hoping they may give me a few more days.

I have now stopped all drugs and doc is hoping I may start bleeding naturally. I am booked in for a d and c next Friday in case it does not happen.

Doc thinks I should be hopefully for the three frozen ones - but just at the moment I am crying for the first time for the baby I DON'T have inside of me.

Tiny, tiny sac

2009-05-28T23:11:00.000-07:00

Bad news - only a tiny sac was found (under a much larger placenta) - ultrascan doctor says it is about half the size it should be - and it does not look like a viable pregnancy.

My evil fibroids are looking bigger than ever - the only way he could find the evidence of my 'pregnancy' was through my tummy.

I spoke to my doctor a few minutes ago (on the train - I am sure the folk next to me were dazzled with hearing about my uterus!!) - and he wants me to keep taking the drugs for another week - next ultrascan next Friday when I will be 6 weeks and 6 days. But he wants me to prepare for the worst. He thinks I won't need a d and c and I will pass it all naturally.

I asked her on behalf of my husband what the chances of this turning into a viable pregnancy - and he said less than 10 percent.

I am kinda numb - I have known all week with my way below average betas that this was the most likely outcome - but I wanted to believe.

My lovely sister is upset - she had such hope. But I suppose we have three frozen ones to play with - once I have got over this. But I tell you I think it will be sometime before I cycle again.

Scared

2009-05-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

It is ultrascan day - Friday 29th of May - and I am scared. It would have been my fav grandmother's 103 birthday today.

I don't want this to be over. Preg symptoms are massive but I have read that can be the placenta -nothing to do with embryo.

I am five weeks and 6 days along - so hoping despite my hugely tilted uterus they can see yolk sac and fetal pole. A heartbeat seems just too greedy.

Please universe don't let it be over.

Still in beta limbo land updated****

2009-05-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

I was hoping and praying for 1000 - but did a deal that I would be happy with 850!!

Wrong wrong wrong - it was 620!! I haven't spoken to the doctor yet - but nurse says they want me to go in for a scan next Tuesday. No more blood tests - nothing.

Sounds daft to me - nurse said I may just be one of those people that doesn't confirm to the rule book.

We have gone from 13 dp - 3dt - 56, 16 dp - 3dt to 187, and finally to 20 dp - 3dt to 620.

I am going to try and speak to doctor - I want to have another blood test before then - the last thing I want is to spend a week wondering what the hell is going on.

Shit shit shit - I so wanted it to go one way or the other.

****I spoke to my doctor this evening - and he wants me to have a scan on Friday - I will be five weeks and 6 days. He said I have a 50% chance it will be fine - %40 chance it won't be and %10 chance it will be ectopic. He said the fact that it started off such a low number is the cause for worry - and has only been increasing as it should without a big spike. And oppps - I just realised I had my final beta as being on 22 dp - 3dt when it was 20 dp - 3dt - changed it now.

Step away from the computer

2009-05-22T05:52:00.001-07:00

Thanks for all the lovely comments!

I have had two days of out of control googling and can't find a single example of someone 16 dp 3dt with a beta less than 200 that turned into a baby.

Damn it. I know, I know - it is the doubling that counts and perhaps I will be inspiration for a million women down the track or perhaps not.

I think I need to step away from the computer - and enjoy my preg symptoms and wait for Monday.

'Not out of the woods'

2009-05-21T05:19:00.000-07:00

What a day - I was sick with fear - and finally at 3pm I got the numbers - not bad but not as good as could be.

Beta 2 at 16 dp 3dt - 187. This was up from 56 at 13 dp 3dt.

My doctor said it was a good rise but we are 'not out of the woods yet'. It seems the average for 19 dpo is 300.

Doc has increased my progesterone to 3x daily as it fell a little from Monday test.

And I have to return for another blood test this coming Monday.

My poor sister - all this suspense is doing her head in (and mine). She said today she has been waiting for years for me to ring her and say 'I am pregnant'. I guess a few more days (I hope) won't kill her.

On the symptom front my boobs have never been so sore - I get waves of what feels like a hundred needles being poked in them. I have strange light cramps - and my stomach feels like I have done millions of sit ups (trust me - I haven't).

Positive beta - but LOW

2009-05-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

Bloody hell - I hope I am not going through another chemical. Level this morning was 56 - at 13 dp 3dt - nurse said they like to see it around 100.

Another blood test on Thursday - I think I am going to try and bring it forward to Wednesday.

Bloody helllllllllllllllllllllllll.

Any success stories gratefully received.

Count down to beta

2009-05-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

It was only hours after my last post that the nausea and sore boobs hit me. Yet, I haven't had the metallic taste in mouth so am preparing myself for the worse. I do have hopes it has worked - and I will still be grief stricken if it doesn't.

Beta is 24 hours away... I will be 13 dp 3dt.

Too scared to POAS.

2009-05-14T06:37:00.000-07:00

Gulp - here I am - only hours away from 10 dpo 3dt - and I can't do it. I am too scared to pee on a stick. I was sure I wasn't going to have a repeat of last time where I had my hopes up only to be dashed by a dopey insensitive nurse on beta day.

I suppose the thing is last time I felt so sick for so much of the two week wait - that I was convinced it had worked. Now I feel so mostly completely normal I JUST want to hold on to the slimmest possibility it has worked.

I may still cave in - but I have had the evil stick in my bag for two days - and I really don't want to.

Beta is 7.30am Monday morning.

Symptom watch - I felt odd yesterday, can't really put my finger on it. Really tired - more so than any other cycle or it could just be I am so much more relaxed that falling into bed at 7pm is real easy. I haven't had the sort of cramps as the last two goes.

I will keep you posted if I POAS.

7 dp 3dt -Tuesday morning at 1am

2009-05-11T07:41:00.001-07:00

Starting to feel the pressure of peeing on a stick on Thursday - keep looking for the same signs as my chemical preg last August... but that was hardly a role model.

The one constant the 2WW always seems to deliver is being unable to sleep through the night. Once again I am having a cuppa at 1am!!

I have never had anything in the freezer before so I should be feeling relaxed about this - it is not the end of the line - there should be one more go out of 3 frozen - maybe 2 if all thaw.

Cramps have been very very mild - and I wonder if it is just from the gas (sorry TMI).

Yesterday I had a vstrange light clumpy black discharge when I wiped- I wondered if it was the progesterone pessaries mixed with old blood... but it was very black.

Anyway - the countdown is on.

4dp 3 dt

2009-05-08T08:41:00.000-07:00

All is fine with me. I am in a more positive frame of mind - and now searching for signs.

And making the mistake of comparing to my two previous donor cycles.

Started feeling a little sick yesterday - a few days earlier than last failed cycle.

I have sore nipples on and off - but have had no cramping. I have been drinking a lot of water - getting close to the 2 litre mark - and surprisingly enjoying it. Water is usually something I have in my tea.

Went to bed last night at 7pm - and read for about an hour - but was completely exhausted. But here I am awake again at 1am.

I am going to pee on sticks this time round - cause I was so devastated by insensitive nurse giving me the bad news over the phone (you must have started bleeding she said - errrrrrrrrr no lady cause I am taking enough progesterone to sink a ship. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

I will wait until 9p 3dt before I start.

And my sister is doing fine. Tho from previous cycles - it is next week that hits her hard.

Transfer

2009-05-05T14:50:00.000-07:00

Two 'very good' eight celled embryos were transfered yesterday. And amazingly we have two frozen embryos.

Doc says this is the best result she could have hoped for.

Sadly, transfer was nightmare. They both got stuck in the catheter not once but twice. It seems my fibroids were making it extremely difficult for her to get it in the right spot.

Doc kept saying 'it won't lessen your chances' - but I have made the mistake of googling it - and it seems pretty common knowlege that it does.

I have had 24 hours complete bed rest (the first time in my now 5 CYCLES that I have done this) and I am not planning on leaving the house today.

GROAN - why couldn't transfer have been perfect.

Please cross your fingers for me

Third time lucky!!!

2009-05-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

This third attempt with my sister's eggs has come upon us in such a whirl - that I haven't even posted about it. Very slack.

My sis wanted to do a 'natural cycle' where she was drug free - cause she found the 'come down' so hard.

Doc managed to convince her low dose antagonisim was the go. So after only 8 days of a tiny amount of fsh - she triggered on Thursday - and had egg pick up Saturday.

We got 7 eggs - and I will hopefully have two put back in on Tuesday.

As I said in the title - let's hope it is third time lucky.

What a week!!

2009-02-05T20:46:00.000-08:00

Goodness - what a lot can happen in a week.

On Monday - I was retrenched from my extremely well paying job. My old boss left in early December and I knew the new guy taking over would have it in for me - and yep the axe fell pretty quickly.

In almost 20 years of employment I have never got even close to being fired -and why he/the company called it redundancy - I know being sacked when I see it or feel it. What an arse.

But today - in fact it was yesterday - I was offered a job back at the ABC - and have had offers of freelance work coming in. So my ego has taken a big boost. My first thought was yes I will take ABC job - even tho it is not playing on my strengths and the money is not fantastic.

I think though - I am going to turn it down in the best possible way - and see what else develops.

As my husband and I are still living on opposite sides of the world - and something has to give.

The other GREAT news today is my sister has decided she will do one more donor cycle with me. She is 39 - so no spring chicken - and we had a really bleak cycle in October.

But this time she is going to do it with my Sydney IVF doctor - and I think I will make sure I am not working so can help with her kids - plus not have work stress.

Last time transfer day was the day before US election - and I had a dreadful flu from the stress of it all.

So there we go - GOOD NEWS out of BAD.

Too Long

2009-01-27T22:52:00.000-08:00

God - I am a bad blogger - it has been more than two months!!

I went back to the UK for Christmas and had a lovely holiday with my spouse... sad to say no real decisions reached on where we are going to live (Australia or London) or about the next step in having a family.

We discussed donor eggs and he kinda freaked out (he freaks out at anything new) - and we also discussed another cycle with my sister.

My sister is not leaning towards doing it all again tho - she found the whole thing so mentally draining and physically uncomfortable. I can only respect her call - and love her for doing it twice.

I have been entertaining the past few days doing it one final time with my crusty old eggs. It would be daft and have extremely little chance of working - but it would be the last chance.

It would not cost a fortune but the emotional cost would be a lot greater.

I know we need to move to a young donor if we are to have a family - it is just the pain of getting there. My husband's freak outs do my head in - and the whole process requires my utmost determination.

What now?!?

2008-11-22T20:50:00.000-08:00

It has taken a few days but I am doing okay.

And I have turned my mind to 'what now'.

My Melbourne doctor said that people know when it is time to move on from IVF by a sick feeling in the pit of their gut.

For good or for bad - I don't have it.

I had a not very satisfactory debrief with Melb doctor - BUT amzingly managed to get into see old Sydney IVF doctor on Thursday - and had a much for inspiring conversation with him.

I told him about the dreadful fever and throat infection I got the day after the transfer and he put his hands over his face and said a fever is a very bad thing to happen when trying to conceive.

He said he has seen woman 8 to 10 weeks pregnant who get a fever and lose the baby.

We also talked about the possibility of doing one last cycle with my tired old eggs - and also about the possibility of doing another donor cycle with my sister with him here in Sydney.

On the plus side of doing donor cycle with my sister in Syd - is that Sydney IVF would not make us do all the counselling side of things again. And my sister could get all her scans and blood tests done in Melb - and just come up to Sydney for the pick up.

On the down side - my sister is not sure she wants to do it all again - and I am not sure it is fair on her too as well. She has said she wants to wait until after Christmas before making a decision.

I have also been looking at the donor eggs from Europe - Spain mostly.

The lovely Bee Cee sent me all her information - and I am going to investigate further.

My big reservation is that it is anonymous - and it feels like it might be a selfish act not to be able to tell a child at 18 or whenever it wants to go investigate its roots - where it has come from etc.

Maybe I can come to grips with this.

I am also thinking about quitting my job here in OZ and returning to London - as my husband still seems like he is along way from getting here. And I am really over this long distance thing.

BIG DECISIONS.

Big fat negative

2008-11-17T12:23:00.000-08:00

I was completely gobsmacked - I really thought I had cracked it this time... that will teach me.

I just didn't have the sore boobs and funny taste in my mouth like last time.

I am completely devastated... I think that is it really - can't ask my sister to go through all that again.

I just feel numb - I am at work trying to hold it together but don't think I am going to make it through the day.

Waiting waiting waiting

2008-11-16T18:52:00.000-08:00

I went for my beta blood test this morning (Monday) - and am currently waiting for the PHONE CALL.

One moment I feel confident it will be positive - the next moment I just think the evil progesterone is tricking me into feeling soooo confident and it will be a big fat negative.

Fingers crossed.

10 dp - 3dt

2008-11-12T12:01:00.000-08:00

Beta is getting closer - only four more sleeps!

I have been feeling 'sick' the last few days - not just in the morning - like I often do before period - but all day. It is much like I felt just after low positive beta in August.

I am trying not to get my hopes up - as it could just be the extra dose of progesterone I am pumping into myself.

I have had quite a lot of cramping - but that's it on the symptom front.

6dp - 3dt or cramps and gass

2008-11-08T22:40:00.000-08:00

It's Sunday in OZ and just when I thought I might escape the gass - it arrived!!

My virus has vanished - but I am still on the extra dose of progesterone each day which is not really agreeing with me. Nasty headache - which does go away partly with half a baby asprin... but is still annoying.

I had some af like cramps yesterday and today - not for long - but enough to make me wonder what is going on down there. Maybe it is just all that extra progesterone.

My beta is still 8 days away - I will be 14 dp - 3dt when I go for the blood test. Will I make it that far with out peeing??

Hey - I saw some very good news surfing the cycle sista blogs this morning - the lovely Busted is pregnant again. Her heart (and ours) broke when she lost her twins at 23 weeks earlier this year... its early days - so long may her success continue.

4 dp - 3dt

2008-11-06T08:42:00.000-08:00

It's Friday morning and I am again awake at 3.30 - but as I spent most of yesterday in bed with a horrible throat infection - I suppose it is not that surprising that I am not that tired.

The infection hit me like a tonne of bricks on Tuesday afternoon - and needless to say - I HAD to go work on Wednesday (Tuesday US time) for the election - but I was the walking dead.

I went to the doctor Thursday - who said because of Monday transfer all he could prescribe was a few days off work and lots of fluids.

I am NOW feeling much much much better. But worry that such a strong although short lived virus (I had a real fever on tuesday night and was not even thinking straight enough to get out of bed and take a panadol - DOH!) might have killed the embryos.

My clinic has introduced a new blood test during the two week wait - they do a progesterone test on the day of transfer. They rang me on Tuesday to say mine had come up a bit low - and they wanted me to increase the dose to three times a day. I went and had another blood test yesterday and didn't hear back from them - so hope it is up where it should be.

I have not had sore boobs - so far - this time - nor any gass. Dreadful to start comparing to last time - as can only lead to pointless worry. NOTE TO SELF - no more pointless worry.

Two on board

2008-11-03T00:45:00.001-08:00

Sorry for going AWOL.

Two embryos transferred today - one very good compacting 8 cell and one morula. I was intially quite surprised at the morula as that is supposed to happen on Day 4 rather than Day 3 - but my transfer was late this afternoon - so it almost is Day 4. The Doctor said both were great quality.

Transfer was not quite as smooth as last time. My doctor is away and even though I asked her about the bloke filling in for her - and asked if he should do a mock transfer - he had no idea about my strange shaped uterus or my fibroids or anything.

I was a bit shocked - but he did take it all on board when I told him and said he would 'do it slowly'. I was lying there trying to think happy thoughts and not 'why the hell has my doctor not briefed this man' - who did not even know I was doing a donor cycle.

I had a bit of cramping - which I didn't have last time - and a bit of feeling uncomfortable.

But I am home now - drinking lots of water - advice from evil stepmonsters doctor I think - and taking it easy.

Beta is November 17th. Oooo and we didn't end up with anything to freeze.

ER is at 12.20 on Friday

2008-10-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

We finally got the call at 5.40 yesterday afternoon for a trigger time - needless to say I had rung the clinic about 4 times thinking we had been forgotten.

And my poor sister had to get up at 1.30 am this morning to trigger - I am not sure what her partner said yet - but one imagines he wasn't to happy about her setting an alarm at that time of the morning.

Still, at least her injections are over now. Pick up is 12.20 on Friday - and luckily her two year old goes to day care and I will just be minding the very sweet - much more independent three year old.

My husband is feeling rather left out of all of this - he is in the US and has been working 15 hour days - and while I have been trying to tell him everything - I didn't tell him - I was coming to Melbourne on Wednesday.

I rang him when I got here and he went into mini-meltdown. You know the - "I don't know what's going on - your talking to your sister more than me' - type of thing.

Anyway - he seems okay now. No doubt there will be another meltdown before transfer.

My sister is a star

2008-10-27T01:44:00.000-07:00

All was good with my scan this morning - lining is thickening nicely - and no sign of cysts or rogue follicles.

All is very very good with my sister... she has a nice batch of mostly evenly sized eggs - 17, 17,18, 18, 17 - and 14 13 13 and 12.

The doc us upped her dose for two day - and she will trigger on Wednesday night - and ER is set down for Friday.

I have again asked for a three day transfer - so that will be Monday 3rd of Nov and am hoping I can work in Melbourne on Cup Day - so I can take it easy for at least 24 hours.

Finger's crossed - finger's crossed.

Monday scan

2008-10-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

Our first scan to see what's cooking is on Monday - my sister says she is "feeling things" a lot more this cycle. She is on a dose of 275 puregon compared to 175 last cycle.

I am heading down to Melbourne on Tuesday night... guessing she will have pickup Thursday or Friday.

I STILL have no plan for what I am going to tell work if I have transfer on Melb Cup day or even worse the day after - US election. Anyone got any thoughts about what a senior news manager tells her boss as a reason for not coming to work during one big (Melb Cup) - and one huge (US election if Obama wins) news event.

I was working in the US over the 2004 election (for a different organisation) - and my boss said to me yesterday he was surprised I hadn't put in a bid to go out there and cover it.

And you know - the weird thing is - I hadn't even thought of it. Even tho my husband is there covering it too. Just goes to show the focus that goes into this IVF stuff.

I am not sure how I am feeling about this cycle - it has come so quickly off the back of the last almost successful one. I am just going with it - and hoping and praying my extremely sweet and completely generous sis doesn't have any ill effects.

We have lift off

2008-10-19T17:37:00.000-07:00

My lovely sister has got the all clear for her injections to start today - and I start the lovely progynova tablets.

We could be looking at trigger next Wednesday or Thursday - pick up Friday or Saturday and transfer Monday 3rd or Tuesday 4th (bloody Melb Cup Day).

I am really hoping we scrap in before Cup Day - cause the only excuse I can give work for being 'away' on that day - someone very close has been in a car accident/eaten by a tiger/anything else completely outrageous.

Go sister - go!

start delayed a week

2008-10-13T20:17:00.000-07:00

Damn - just when I thought we had the timing down perfectly before our doctor goes away - and the US election/Melbourne Cup.... we have been delayed a week.

My sister went for her scan yesterday - and would you believe she is still not 'quiet' enough - almost a repeat of last time. Some how the pill and syrnal has little effect on her - weird.

Anyway - she is now taking nasty drugs to bring on her period - and hopefully after her scan next Monday we will start injecting etc.

I am just not stressing about bloody work and taking time off over a hugely busy period... it will work out whether I stress or not. And if I just have to call in sick - then by god I will.

Dates

2008-10-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

Crikey - it is all of a sudden on us again. Sis and I stopped taking the pill today and we both go for scans on Monday - we both start sniffing and then on Tuesday (hopefully) - she starts injections and I start proygnova.

And we are aiming for Monday 27th pick-up - and transfer on Thursday 30th.

All this could ofcourse go pear shape - as we have two women's bodies that have to co-operate at the same time.

GOD - my sister is the greatest.

We GO again

2008-09-18T14:50:00.000-07:00

Sis and I and had a good chat with the doctor - tho it was kinda weird cause we were both on speaker phone.

The doc went over again about how 'well' last cycle went and it was 'a very good result' - just not quite good enough.... i.e no bloody baby.

We are going to do a pill flare cycle starting straight away or as soon as my sister gets her period.... which should be any day now. She is going to 'induce' mine.

And sister will do higher dose of FSH right from the start. I asked the doc if she triggered sister too early last time after too long on fsh (she started her at a very low dose then had to up it after 6 days of almost no growth). She ofcourse couldnt really answer that... but that is my theory for the poor egg quality.

Sister is being a mega star about all of this - and is saying she will do accupuncture this time too.

Here is hoping for second time lucky.

One week on

2008-09-12T23:38:00.000-07:00

I feel like my life has rewinded to three months ago - no husband and nooooooooooooooo baby. Blood test yesterday showed beta had returned to 2... at least it wasn't ectopic .... or if it was at least it wasn't troublesome.

This came on top of the news yesterday that my husband's niece is pregnant.

I have been expecting this since I stayed with them last year and spotted the folic acid in the cupboard. She is just 27 or 28 - and has just clocked over 2 years in her current job - so I expect the timing was neatly arranged for maternity leave.

She is a lovely girl and I can't be jealous - but I have a rage deep inside at the ease of which she is fulfilling this basic human instinct.

My sister and I have phone 'chat' with our doctor on Wednesday and we will be pushing for a flare cycle.

Sunday bloody sunday

2008-09-06T19:15:00.000-07:00

My beta is slowly falling and my period has started. I have stopped feeling cheated and angry - and now feel grateful for the chance to have another go.

I tried to throw out my collection of positive pee sticks this morning - but couldn't quite bring myself to - maybe next week.

My husband went back to UK yesterday and we both cried like babies at the airport for at least an hour before he went. I felt a bit like a freak show - grown adults that could not stop wailing.

We have made the resolution that unless he has a very clear approved (by his boss) plan in the next month to take 12 months off - then - I will go back to UK.

So this will most likely mean I have another go at IVF in the next few months - and if he is not coming - then I will be back in UK by Christmas.

Life is too short to go on any longer apart.

Beta still rising

2008-09-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

We are back from holidays and I had another blood test yesterday - and despite stopping the drugs my beta is still climbing slowly - tho my progesterone is falling - and nurse thinks my period will probably start by the weekend.

I spoke to the doctor last night - she thinks we came 'very very close'. My sister rang me yesterday and said 'let's give it another go' - I cried and cried. She is so sweet - and I know she found the injections hard - and she had a dreadful few days 'coming down' from the drugs. The doctor said she would fully support us giving it another go.

Soooooooo it seems like we will. When tho - I have no idea. My husband flies back to the UK on Sunday - I think I will hide in his suitcase. Booooooo hooooooooooo

Bad news

2008-08-28T16:10:00.000-07:00

Beta only rose to 70 - not enough to be viable.

Now the nurses are concerned it could be ectopic - what a cruel twist of fate if a healthy embryo implanted in the wrong spot. I am really hoping it isn't - as just want it all to be over with.

Expecting a call from doctor today. I am still taking all the drugs - and still couldn't bring myself to have a glass of wine last night - crap isn't it.

They want me to have another blood test on Sunday - but we are going to be in a completely remote spot - and Monday will be a long ferry ride and a plane back to Sydney.

So it will have to be Tuesday - unless ofcourse I get ectopic symptoms and then will head to the nearest hospital double quick.

We were driving through some of the most beautiful countryside I have ever seen yesterday when the bad news came through. I howled with the pain of a thousand arrows to the heart.

I have felt the past few days that my 'sickness' was too sporadic - it would come it a wave and be gone. I had been keeping away from the pee sticks.

Beta has RISEN

2008-08-25T15:58:00.000-07:00

Wellllllllll - my beta has risen from 18 to 50 - so it has done what it was supposed to - but still not out of the woods.

Another blood test planned for Thursday - this time in Christchurch. Our holiday in NZ is turning into a hop between pathology labs. But I am VERY HAPPY TO BE DOING IT.

Also pleased to say I am still feeling sick in the gut - most of the day - except when I am eating - which is often!!

Thanks for everyones good wishes - please keep praying for me

***addded**** not sure I am going to be able to post on thursday as we are heading to wine country... so don't assume no news is bad news.

VERY low positive

2008-08-22T01:04:00.000-07:00

I thought I was going to have heart attack when the nurse rang me - she made me repeat my name address and date of birth - I didn't think I was going to be able to say it - my pulse was racing so hard - my breath sooooo sharp.

And the news: beta 18 at 10dpo 3dt. She said they like to see it at 60.

It's not good - tho she did say it could be a late implanter.

Please say a prayer for me.

Another blood test in NZ on Monday.

What a day.

And finally I have symptoms: metallic taste and a 'sick' feeling in my gut.
LONG MAY IT CONTINUE.

****Added Saturday morning here now - and I have finally peed on a stick - and I am looking at a nice pink second line - not super strong - not nearly as strong as the control line - but not one where you have to squint or hold at a certain angle. Also I am feeling properly sick - like nausea. Ooooo I have let hope take over my heart - to misquote evil stepmonster.

Counting down and still no pee sticks

2008-08-20T14:26:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow (Friday) is d-day - and I am trying to prepare myself. One moment it is bad news - the next it is good. I could ofcourse sort all this out and pee on a stick - but being a perverse type of person - that seems too easy - and ofcourse - it could well end the hope I have in my heart!!

I will head off at 7am tomorrow morn for blood - and hope I hear in the afternoon. I am in Sydney and IVF clinic is in Melb - one wouldn't imagine in this day and age that should slow the process up - but who knows.

I am working tomorrow night (someone sick) - so I will have plenty of time to post the results.

Any symptoms I hear you ask: NOPE. Well - not really - I had cramping five or six days ago - gone now. I do have dreadful gas - but that is the progresterone as I had it the past two times.

Beta Friday August 22nd

2008-08-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

I spoke to my doctor yesterday (actually on email - it is a great way to get a quick reponse from her - lucky I have found this out at the end of the cycle rather than at the start - or I would have driven her mad)- and she has given me the thumbs up to have an early beta cause of my NZ trip.

She has said the numbers may be low - and I may have to repeat - but hey - take it from me - any bloody numbers will be met with joy.

I could potentially pee on a stick today - and see if there is anything going on - but I am just too scared.

I had a little bit of cramping last night - and feel very full in that pre period type of way - but that is about it. I thought I might have had a strange taste in my mouth yesterday - but wonder if I was making it up.

Could I face not peeing - and just going for blood test on Friday - and then getting a negative result with no husband here to comfort me - well I have done it before - but then again - I had started spotting.

Anyway - I am jumping ahead of myself. I keep thinking I should just be enjoying these days - where hope is still alive - in case it gets the bullet on Friday.

5 dpo - 3dt

2008-08-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

Mmmmm nothing much to report - except to say I am awake at 01.30am - progesterone doesn't seem to make me sleepy!!!

I had a couple of days of sore boobs and a few tiny cramps but nothing now - just eating like a horse (thanks progesterone).

This two week wait feels quite different from the other two - I suppose not being on mega doses of FSH recently would always make it so.

Beta is supposed to be Monday 25th of August - except I am going to be in New Zealand on the first day of my holiday.

Sooooo I am going to try and bring it forward to Friday 23rd. Only draw back with that is that my husband will have already left for NZ and I will be getting the news on my own (well - I do have a lovely girlfriend who says she will take me out to celebrate - or get wildly drunk and sob into my tissues)

I know my dear sweet sister will start suggesting I pee on sticks by Tuesday or Wednesday - and as I have had no trigger injection - it would be safe too. But am I ready for the news.

Good luck to everyone else with betas around this time. The July gang have been rather lucky with BFPs - hoping to join the party.

Two on board

2008-08-10T18:46:00.000-07:00

It is actually Monday in Australia - so ignore the date stamp up the top.

Now for the good news - my transfer went as smooth as smooth (unlike first transfer in London where they had to stop half way through cause I was about to throw up and my hands had gone numb)!

I have two embryos on board - one 'very very good' compacting eight cell - and one slower six cell. I am home and have been in bed a few hours with my feet up - and am feeling fine.

The bad news is - there was nothing to freeze. Only four of the seven eggs fertilized - and two stopped growing last night. I do wonder about the culture Melb IVF grow the embryos in - or what goes on in their lab.

But anyway - I am home feeling extremely grateful to my dear sister. She is very sad only two made it. The doctor said to me this morning - 'she wants this sooo much to work for you'. It brought tear to my eyes.

And there was also some good news in that the usual pre transfer freak out by my husband didn't happen. He was sweet and loving through out. Long may it and my embryos continue!!!

Transfer at 9.50 am Monday

2008-08-09T19:40:00.000-07:00

Nurses have confirmed embryo transfer on Monday - but can't tell me how many fertilised or how many are still cooking - I am feeling very frustrated. It seems a very weird way of doing things - not tellimg me until I turn up tomorrow for transfer.

Anyway - off to see my sister - I am very pleased to say she is feeling no ill effects of ER or the drugs she has been shooting up this past two weeks or so. Thank the lord.

7 eggs

2008-08-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

ER was yesterday - and they got 7 eggs from 8 follicles!! My sister is fine - she was a bit sore yesterday - and I tried to help as much as I can with all her kids.

My husband looked after her 3 year old while we went in for transfer. He ended up down at the beach with her (a good 20 minute walk with a 3 year old) - and they had a great time.

Sooooo hoping for more good news today- not sure if they ring me and tell me how they are going - or if i have to wait until tomorrow when they ring to give me transfer time.

I am feeling quite calm about it all.

ER is on Friday

2008-08-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

Hey - sorry for going missing in action. My husband has arrived from the UK and we decided to take a few days and drive down from Sydney to Melbourne.

ER is on Friday - I am still hoping for eight eggs - as of Monday that looked like a possibility - my sister had two at 15 - and six at 13 - hoping they all are nice and mature.

I also have managed to extract a three day transfer out of clinic (they seem to always do two) - so hoping I have done the right thing there.

ET is set down for Monday - I am due back at work on Tuesday - but as I will also need to fly back to Sydney (just hired a car for a one way trip down) - and want to take it easy - I am poised to ring work and try and get Tuesday off too. Anyone with tales of taking it easy and getting a positive - rather than racing back to work?

Looking forward to seeing my sister tomorrow - she says she is 'over the injections' - poor old thing - I asked her yesterday how she felt - and she says she has the same feeling as when you are first pregnant - the same pain.

My husband said yesterday that I owe her big time - I thing that is the understatement of the century.

8 follicles and an increase in FSH

2008-07-30T01:47:00.000-07:00

My sister went in for her first scan today - day 6 - she has 8 follicles. Cause she is sooooo new to this and hasn't lived and breathed IVF - she didn't ask about sizes - drat it - she said she was in and out within minutes. I had instructed the poor thing to get number and size - but in the heat of the moment she forgot!!

The doctor has upped her dose of fsh from 175 to 275. I was of the belief doc was being overly cautious with the 175 - she kept saying she didn't want to make my sister sick - and I couldn't argue with that. But the woman (my sister) has just turned 39.

She doesn't go back now til Monday - which seems a bloody long gap considering the drugs have been boosted.

Anyway - I am trying not to stress and worry - no good will come of it. My sister is going to have some accupuncture - and hopefully the increase in drugs will have them all growing well.

We have finally started!

2008-07-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

My sweet little sister got the all clear yesterday to begin - and I was in Melbourne cause it is my mum's birthday today - so I went round to her house and helped give her first stim injection. I was a bit worried cause I had a nice role of fat when I was stimulating but my sister, despite having four small children, has no fat what so ever!!!

But it was fine - and she took it like a trooper!

I am a bit concerned (always have to have something to be worried about) that she is still taking the same dose of syranel (sniffing) as she was in the down regualtion part of the cycle. Is this right? Does anyone know? When I did my cycles I was injecting Lucrin - and I am sure the dose got halved during the stim injections. It just seems weird to be pumping FSH into the body - and then flattening it out with a large amount of a syranel at the same time.

I want her to ring the doctor to double check the nurse has done the right thing - but perhaps I am just being a control freak.

I have started the Progynova - to thicken my lining. Evil stepmonster told me she hated it - but then she hasn't come back to tell me why.

I must say - I feel excitied about this cycle and scared. But in a weird way - I am also divulging responsibility - two female bodies involved in this conception feels better than one!!

Start delayed one week

2008-07-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

Well - after taking the pill for two months - and sniffing for two weeks - somehow my poor sister had a follicle yesterday!! Soooo she has been given some drugs to bring her period on straight away - and she goes back for a scan and we hopefully start next Friday.

This is a bit of a nightmare for me for work - going to have to change my holidays booked for the week of the 28th july to week of 4th of August. And hopefully my boss won't notice that this includes the opening day of the olympics!!

My husband arrives in Sydney on August 3rd - so he will be here for it all - a good and a bad thing. Bad that he will no doubt still manage to go into meltdown about the whole thing - good that when he gets over that it will be nice to have him here.

Anyway - another week of waiting!!

No more pill

2008-07-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

I have taken my last pill this morning - and Kirsty, my sister took her last one, last Thursday.

As of yesterday - she is yet to get her period and says she feels no sign of it. She is obviously still sniffing twice a day - and has been on the pill now for almost two months.

I wonder if she skips a sniff - it will encourage her period to come?

Anyone know?

We have got our down reg scans on Thursday - I suppose it won't be the end of the world if it is delayed a day or two - but much past that - and it will all start to get very messy with my work - and the bloody olympic games!!

Sniffing

2008-07-05T22:54:00.000-07:00

The sniffing has begun! Something new to me - as in my previous IVF cycles I did injections. It is pretty damn easy - I hope my sister is finding it so. She went up to the snow with her family on Friday - so I haven't spoken to her to find out how it is going for her.

Sorry to be so boring - but this all still seems very unreal.

I have given up the booze but have yet to give up coffee - I will - I am just dragging it out - cause it is often the only thing that gets me to work at 6am.

Another stunning Sydney winter day - had lunch with friends at Bondi - and the sun was out - people wandering around in t-shirts - if this was a London summer we would be beside ourselves with joy.

I just need my little husband here to enjoy it with - he arrives August 4th - four weeks today - and possibly the day after transfer!!

We have DATES!!

2008-06-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

It is all on track - we have had the counselling, all the blood tests and I have had a hystercopy (after my fibroid op - RE wanted to make sure all is hunky dory in there - and it is!!)

My sister and I both taking the pill - and start sniffing this Friday July 4th - we stop taking the pill on July 13th - go for our scans on the 17th of July (my sister's birthday - would you believe) - then she starts 175 gonal f - and I start taking prognova (to increase linging) - we both have scan on the 22nd of July - and then possible OPU on July 28th.

It is weird doing this donor cycle with my sister - it feels a little like I am having a baby with her - rather than my husband - though he would be horrified to hear me say that.

He was not really into my two previous IVF cycles - and it feels great to have someone 'in it' with me.

I am trying not to want to 'micro manage' this cycle - I want to tell my sister to stop taking the pill the day before they want us to - I want to tell her to cut back her sniffing on the first few days of injection - and to increase the dose to 200 on those first crucial days. BUT I AM NOT GOING TO.

I am going to let go of control and let her do just what the doctor wants - and try and let whatever happens happen. My big plan anyway.

GIANT step - donor eggs

2008-05-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

What a week - I have flown down to Melbourne twice (only 1 hour 30 mins for those who live abroad- but still) in three days for donor counselling/doctors/nurses and ACCOUNTS- and have managed to lose my mobile phone - and put in a very mediocre performance at work all at the same time.

Yes - I don't know if I am coming and going.

The counselling was a very 'interesting' process - made all the more so - by the fact that my husband is in the US and was on the phone. The counsellor went on quite a lot about how I would be 'grieving my fertility' - quite a good way of putting it really. And I think she managed to allay my husbands fears - that the child may love my sister more than me!!!

My sister and her (reluctant) partner also had two counselling sessions. They have four very young children (7,5,3 and 1) - and ofcourse it will have an impact on their lives.

My very sweet sister is an angel - as the nurse was going through her medications yesterday - I felt worried I may be putting her health in danger. Her FSH is 6 - can you believe - in stark contrast to my 18 or whatever it was. She will be doing a very long down reg cycle - with only 175 of fsh drugs. She hates drinking water - and despite the fact that I have gone on and on at her about having to drink lots during the injecting stage - I think she thinks she can get away without!

Most of the forms have been signed - and the frozen sperm is being sent down from Sydney to Melbourne on Monday. I have paid the admistration fee (1900 dollars) - which they cheerfully told me was a 'once only' fee - I didn't say - I will be doing this 'once only'.

My husband still has to get some new blood tests and the doctor wants to have a 'quick chat' with him on the phone.

I should get my period next week - and will start taking the pill (for the first time in 5 years!!)

We are working towards a pick up around 25th of July! And the good thing about it being slightly later than first thought - is that my husband will be in Australia in August when I find out if it worked (or not).

On track

2008-05-17T19:16:00.000-07:00

Well - It is looking like I will do a donor cycle with my sister. After much agonising with my husband - we are on track!!

I am getting his sperm sent down to Melbourne (where my sister lives and where we will do the cycle) - and we have appointments booked for counselling the week after next. My husband is going to be in the US - so luckily they are letting us do it with him on the phone.

We have to have two lots of counselling - as does my sister and her partner. Her partner keeps saying to her - 'i hope you know what you are doing'. I hope she does too - it is a big thing - and she is my best friend - I would hate anything to sour that.

I can't quite believe it is going to happen - much like my first IVF cycle I suppose.

If all goes according to plan - we could be doing transfer first week in July!!

FIBROIDS - BE GONE!!

2008-03-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

God - it has been a long time between posts.

I have just got out of hospital - I have had FIVE LARGE fibroids removed. I was in overnight - and have now got my lovely mother staying with me in Sydney - looking after me.

After last failed IVF - the doctor said if I was to have another go with my eggs (or my sisters) - he really thought I should get them out. I was really angry/upset after I went and saw the specialist - I had asked him why for the past 5 years doctors had been telling me the fiborids were not stopping me from getting pregnant.

And you know what he said: because it is a tricky operation and they would not have wanted to do it!!! BLOODY GREAT.

Anyway - they are out - I am still very weak - and have another week off work.

On the sister donor egg front - my husband had a long chat with my sister about it - and is feeling a bit more confident about it. She/I have an appointment with an IVF doctor in Melboure (where she lives) at the end of April.

I have to wait three months from the operation. I don't know - maybe I should have one more go with my crusty old eggs. Still - with only two eggs from two ivf cycles - it is probably stupid. And each month I leave it - my sister gets older - she is 38 - soooooo no spring chicken herself.

11dp3dt - ALL OVER

2007-12-28T23:10:00.000-08:00

I got my period this morning. I am grief-stricken.

Cry baby 8dp3dt

2007-12-25T20:39:00.000-08:00

It has been a pretty easy two week wait this time - I took a proper two days off to rest and recover after transfer - and then back to work for a few days then some quality time with my ma. Yesterday was Christmas and my birthday - a very nice day - no family rows - lovely. Today - I have been a crying girl - sobbing like a baby - I don't know what came over me - I think it has been a big build up. I am another year older - and still no baby. My husband is still in the UK - I still haven't found a proper place to live in Sydney - and I am still not loving my new job.

Anyway - I took my sobbing self home to my mum's and put this cry baby to bed for a much needed lunchtime sleep - and I am feeling much better.

Symptom watch: sore boobs (didn't have that last cycle)
cramping (didn't have that this earyl last cycle)
slightly sick in the gut (did have this last cycle)

5 days to beta!!

6dp3dt

2007-12-23T11:47:00.000-08:00

Not much going on - except Christmas!!! I am enjoying just having the HCG injections rather than the progesterone pess mess things. Tho the downside is not being able to pee on a stick. I tried late yesterday afternoon and it was amazing to see one of those things come up positive. I thought - so that's what it looks like. I am going to pee every day until I see it is out of my system. I had the last injection last friday - and the verdict seems to be out on how many days it should take. I feel quite preggers - but that would be the HCG (pregnyl).

Merry Christmas to all!!

Home and happy - Day 3 transfer

2007-12-17T21:10:00.000-08:00

It has been a roller coaster few days. I've just had transferred one eight cell grade 1 (the best) rock star embryo - and I am home and feeling happy and hopeful. The transfer was sooo easy - after the horror experience I had last time.

It was the one and only to make it out complete on Saturday. One other egg was cracked - and two follicles were empty.

Needless to say - I was really upset - after it was looking like I would at least get three eggs.

I hardly slept a wink on Saturday night - waiting to hear if my one and only fertilized. And again last night - because they said they don't check on them on day 2 - and the first I would find out if it had stopped developing would be this morning.

I am so happy to have it back inside me. BETA TEST ON 31ST DECEMBER - a positive would be a perfect way to say hello to 2008.

My fingers are crossed for my December friends set for betas in the next few days.

Coming out on Saturday

2007-12-13T22:35:00.000-08:00

My doctor rang me himself yesterday - and said I was to trigger that evening - and he was highly recommending we do retrieval with general anesthetic. Sydney IVF always do it with local (I have heard reports it hurts like hell) - but he thinks because of my fibroids it will be tooooo painful. Soooo he is looking after me - I hope.

The bad side is ofcourse my husband is back in the UK - and I have to have someone take me home and look after me afterwards. Luckily one of my lovely friends has canceled all her saturday plans to be my minder. She went thru IVF herself in July - sadly it didn't work - and she says so far she has had no desire to do it again.

All in all - this cycle has been a breeze - even tho much more full on care than the last. And even tho I was poised to quit my new job this afternoon because I felt my boss was having a dig at me - I have felt really calm about it all. Not much stressing.

I am really hoping for four eggs - and all four to fertilize and divide into 8 cell embryos. Hey - no reason not to hope for the best.

The fab four

2007-12-12T18:16:00.000-08:00

I am waiting for a call to tell me if trigger is tonight. Went for bloods and scan again this morning - and the four of the right are now 20,20,17 and amazingly the 13 from yesterday is now 17 as well.

I kinda hope they give them one more day - so the 17s can get a bit bigger. But they are the experts.

Sadly leftie has not been seen since Saturdayy - soooo god knows.

Anyway - I am feeling good about my fab four.

Not such a good scan - Day 10

2007-12-09T15:25:00.000-08:00

Mmmm I didn't like the nurse from the moment I walked into the scan room - she was grumpy and didn't like the fact - that they have been checking my ovaries inside and out (lots of fibroids inside - yuk).

Anyway - she only found three on the right ovary - there were four on saturday and all around 14 mm.

And she declared my much hoped for follicle on the left - as not being a follicle. CRAP CRAP CRAP. I was sooo hoping to have five.

Anyway - no doubt I will be back again on Wednesday - as the biggest is still only 16 mm - and maybe it will be better.

Must try and have big steak for dinner tonight.

Day 8 - and One MORE follicle

2007-12-07T21:40:00.000-08:00

Second scan today - and my famous four follicles are growing nicely on the right side. The left ovary has been missing in action for quite some time. In fact - all through my last cycle - they never managed to find it even once. This morning's nurse - after measuring follicles on the right - said 'now let's have a look for the left one'. I was poised to say - don't bother - it has gone awol - when she found it and one very nice sized follicle - very happy!!!

The big cheese nurse rang this arvo (pretty impressive on a saturday) to say they are happy with my E2 levels - rising nicely.... and I am to go for another scan/blood test on Monday - and I could be looking at retrieval on wednesday or thursday.

I can't tell you how much better I feel about this cycle than the last one.

400% improvement

2007-12-05T14:05:00.000-08:00

First scan this morning - and while 6 or 8 follicles would have been fab - four decent size ones - is MUCH better than last time.

Feeling good - looking good.

New cycle - what a shock

2007-12-03T12:38:00.000-08:00

No one is more shocked than I - that I am doing it all again.

And I must say to all those Brits - they do it better in Australia.

My husband came out for two weeks - and I managed to convince him to go to the doctor - and before we knew it - he had given them some sperm to freeze - and here I am on day 4 of FSH drugs.

Doc decided not to do 'down regs' - and to test my FSH on day 1 - and if it was low enough - we would go for it. And shock - horror - IT WAS.

Soooo fingers crossed there is more than one egg growing in there.

All over

2007-11-07T23:24:00.000-08:00

BFN this morning - and period is here in all its forces. Mourning really - I suppose that is what the grief is - something I had - is gone. I know my husband is really upset for me - tho I suspect he is kinda relieved for himself- and that makes me feel all the sadder.

I am not doing it again with him kicking and screaming all the way!

Brown spotting

2007-11-05T23:29:00.000-08:00

The end is nigh - brown spotting started this afternoon. If it hasn't turned into full on flow by tomorrow am - I will pee on a stick. Bugger bugger bugger bugger - I was sooo hoping for a miracle. And the really sad thing is - like the arrival of every period for the past three years - I still manage to convince myself that some how it might stop at the brown stage - and I might still have a baby in 9 months. It feels truly pathetic.

Too scared to poas

2007-11-05T00:27:00.000-08:00

It's Monday night in Australia - 12dp2dt (last post I was a day ahead of myself as was acutally only 8dp) - and no sign of my period - and also no sign of any real symptoms.

I am too scared to poas. How long can I leave it - I suppose I will have to tomorrow if still no sign of period.

I am enjoying holding on to the hope - and the pee sticks could well smash that to smithers- sad I know.

My clinic wants me to pee on thursday on a special stick they gave me - I am sure I am not going to wait that long.

9dp2dt - give or take a few hours

2007-11-01T15:33:00.000-07:00

It feels like 'day 26 in the big brother house and everyone is still asleep' - not much going on inside. Have felt slightly sick the last two mornings - but I often do in the days before my period. I have been exhausted but that is jetlag as I have been waking at 1am until 3 or 4. I have been hugely gassy but that is the progesterone. Mmmm all that sounds like a lot going on.

I haven't poas - as over the year I have poas soooo many times - and the snow white screen is the stuff of my own personal horror movie. I am going to wait until early next week. I start work on Monday - so will try and leave it until Tuesday. Here is hoping I get that far.

I am off to Palm Beach (just north of sydney) for the weekend - friends have rented a tree house. It should be great - they are lovely friends - but they drink A LOT. I am going to try and just pretend to sip - and if quized am going to liar about taking anitbiotics or some such thing.

I am missing my husband more than you can believe - and can summon up a river of tears - just wishing he was here to give me a hug.

Symptomless

2007-10-29T07:08:00.000-07:00

Not a symptom in the house! And weirdly (is it weird?) - I kinda like the prog pess thingys -I feel calm and focussed. Have just arrived in sunny (make that HOT) Sydney - so nothing like flying around the world and being thrown into the arms of my dear dear old friends - to take your mind off the two week wait.

I don't know why I feel sooooo optimistic - CRAZY - maybe its cause the cycle turned me into the poster girl for 'poor responders' - and everything and everyone screamed cancel, chuck it in - and we put sooo much faith in this one embryo - I am sure it won't let us down. Or maybe it is the progesterone making me feel like a mum already.

Either way - we are giving it a shot - what life is all about. - hey!

on board but worried

2007-10-25T19:18:00.000-07:00

My embryo is on-board the good ship 'worried about everything'.

Transfer was a nightmare - or should I say the first time they tried to do it it was - the second time is was like nothing. The doctor thinks she hit a nerve in my cervix - cause in the space of one second I went from fine to sweating, numb hands and about to throw up. Not much fun - anyway - they stopped - and let me spend 10 mins coming back to life - and then did it again - and wow it was easy - such a weird experience.

Since then - I have spent far too long on dr google - and am now worried as all hell - that my embryo was only two cells on day 2. The embryologist said two cells was fine - and everything seems to say between 2 and 4 cells - but dr google also says there is an increase in implantation if it has turned into a 4 cell. Having said that - it could have developed into 4 cells half an hour after it was transfered. On the plus side - they were two very even cells with little fragmantation.

Crikey - I have got to stop this worrying - it will achieve nothing. I am awake at 3am - I hope my cells are still awake too and growing.........

ONE fertilised egg - Yeahhhh

2007-10-24T01:02:00.000-07:00

Good good good news - the one mature egg fetilised overnight! Retrieval went fine - the two other eggs which turned up late in the piece - were too small - soooo there was a lot hanging on that one egg. Soooo far - it has done us proud! Transfer is tomorrow - I am going into clinic today to ask about assisted hatching. Does anyone else know much about it?

Retrieval on tuesday

2007-10-21T10:04:00.000-07:00

Went back to the clinic on Friday - and would you believe - they found several more eggs - not big - but biggish. And the star follicle from Wednesday had grown a lot.

Sooo after much agonising - going ahead with retrieval on tuesday. Obviously - there may only be one - and they have warned it may be empty - but after weeping and howling soooo much on Wednesday - I am feeling lucky.

The doctor said at my age with my fsh - we were lucky to get one!! I don't agree - and think a different protocol at a different clinic - we will get more.

Trigger shot tonight! What a few days.

crash and burn

2007-10-17T06:33:00.000-07:00

Cycle cancelled - only one egg.

Spent several hours sobbing and wailing - feeling like my dream had died - but am starting to pick myself up.

I knew from the start that a long protocol was not going to be right for someone of my age and fsh - and surprise surprise it wasn't. I am also pissed off at my clinic - husband and I waited 40 mins after the scan for a doctor to come talk to us about - what happeneed - what now - and eventually when noone came we just got up and left. I rang about two hours ago - and still noone has called me back.

Also pissed off at taking stims for 8 days before a scan - CRAP.

And can I also say a big double crap at my body for failing to deliver a few - that was all I was hoping for - a few eggs.

Something going on!

2007-10-12T08:05:00.000-07:00

Day 4 of stims - and something is going on in there!

I woke up this morning at 3 with mild cramps - strong enough to stop me sleeping but not sharp - more like a dull ache. I had two baby asprin - and the pain vanished and I went back to sleep. My clinic doesn't see me again until Day 8 - which seems like an enternity - and it feels like anything could happen in that time.

All fine today - not a niggle - I think I will see how I go over the weekend - and then if it is still worrying me on Monday - will try and have a scan then.

Off to France tomorrow for the weekend - what a pity wine and coffee are off the menu - still I can have a warm, buttery croissant or two.

Stim on

2007-10-10T00:33:00.000-07:00

First Gonal F jab is out of the way - only bit I messed up a bit was not leaving the needle in for a few seconds after I had pushed the button for the last time - I pulled the needle out and there was a little drop on the top - I then remembered the nurse saying leave it in for a bit. Oooo well - tomorrow I will do better.

Yesterday went okay - things got better after they eventually found my ovaries. At first one Nurse found what she thought might have been them (i have fibroids and an active bowel (?) which made it hard... so she said) - and while I got dressed she went back to my notes and found the last nurse two weeks ago - couldn't find them - so she came back and said she needed to do it again - and went and got another nurse. This time they definately saw right ovary and they think they saw left ovary.

They counted six or so antral follicles on right- and a few on left -tho they couldn't say for sure - cause they were not 100 percent sure it was the left ovary. I feel more optimistic we may actually get a few eggs to transfer after they saw the antral follicles - everything I have read seems to show they are the number one indicator - at least eggs are there.

I am off to accupuncture this morning. Fraid - I have been slack with it for the past few months (5 months actually) - and wonder what she is going to think of me rocking in during the stims and expecting it to help do the trick.

Anticipation - day 17

2007-10-08T07:16:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow feels like a big day - I go in for my scan AND HOPEFULLY will get the nod to start stims.

My period finally started on friday night - and I can't tell you how much better I felt after- physcially and mentally it was like a huge weight had been lifted. I am now off work for the next fortnight too - sooooo am preparing to have mighty big wind down - and maybe create a baby.

I know, I am an IVF newbie - and feel only hope and anticipation - though I have read enough to know how rare it is to hit the jackpot the first time.

My husband yesterday said he really hoped it worked. He has been rather reluctant to say the least - so it brought tears to my eyes.

Another amazing amazing thing is - he has given up the booze until ER. He hasn't had a drink for a week - and claims he is not going to until after he has done his 'thing'. Awhile ago I asked him if he would cut down around ER - and the last week he announced he was giving it up - I thought he would last a day - but he has really surprised me.

day 12 of down regs - why no period?

2007-10-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

I starting to wonder if it is ever going to come? It is day 12 of injecting burselin - and I have six more days before I am due to go for a scan and start stims. Is it possible to start if I don't get my period? It has felt like it is coming for days but alas no. Funny hey - every month I'd kill to get no period - and it ALWAYS turns up - right on time. Has burselin made anybody elses period seriously late?

The burselin has been fine - no moody grumpy cow in my house - or no more so than usual. A bit hot at night time but no night sweats as it were. Easy peasy.

Day 1 - First jab - I did it!

2007-09-22T11:48:00.000-07:00

We are on our way! I started to write - I am on my way - and then thought - hang on - having a go at having a baby takes two people!!! It is just that the IVF way - feels like it is ONE person and lots of very rich doctors making whoopy.

Just got home from work - and my husband is out - so I thought - what the heck - I am not going to wait until he comes homes - and gave my self my first injection of Burselin - all on my own. I feel rather proud of myself! It didn't hurt (tiny needles) but is itching a bit now.

So this is day 18 of my normal cycle (I have a short natural cycle 25 days which is why I sarted today rather than day 21)- and the start of 16 days of down regs. I was somewhat surprised the down regs took sooooo long - especially with someone soooo 'old' and with high fsh - but after hunting around on the net - it seems this is normal if you haven't taken birth control pills in the run up.

With tongue firmly in cheek - I asked the doctor yesterday - who was going through my protocol with me - what happens if I am pregnant at the moment (yeah - right - and they also want me as the new presenter of the TEN O'clock NEWS too!) - and she said with all seriousness 'we often find when people come back for their scan at the end of the down regs that they are pregnant'. Where do I sign to become one of THOSE people.

Let the games begin!!

Never thought the day would come

2007-09-20T04:50:00.000-07:00

Hold on to your cotton socks - we are poised to do IVF. I am sitting at home waiting for my drugs to be delivered - the best they could tell me 'ooo sorry love - it will be some time between 8 and 4'. Fantastic - my day off stuck inside - but to be honest - I am happy to be waiting - cause it means we are taking action - cause it means we might end up with a baby. I have spent 18 months reading blogs - and I know it hardly ever ever ever happens on the first go. Not when your are 40 with high FSH anyway. But I can't help but be hopeful.

I start sniffing on Saturday! I am expecting to turn into a dragon woman - but maybe I might be plesantly surprised there as well. At the moment - I feel like the luckiest woman alive!

Snowy tuesday

2007-03-20T11:09:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to write these days - my husband says most days he knows we need to do IVF - he says he knows he needs to say to me 'let's do IVF' - but he is scared.

I too am scared. Scared I am going to leave before he gets the courage to say it - scared I am going to explode from frustration and rage. And so much of it is rage against him. It is very bad - so how could I want to bring a baby into a relationship that some days seems like a disaster.

I know he loves me - sometime I am not sure what I feel.

I never thought it could come to this.

minimenow

Negative beta...

The WAIT....

Final and finally FET

Negative beta

9dp5dt

3dp5dt

What drama!

A decent haul

Back in the saddle

Big fat negative

beta now on Friday 18th

7dp 3dt

4dp 3dt

Beta on December 21st.

On track

Transfer on Monday 7th

Any day now!!

Heading towards FET

Beta falling

Mad woman

Surprise beta of 134

Weird positive HPT

Groan

All over

Tiny, tiny sac

Scared

Still in beta limbo land ****updated********

Step away from the computer

'Not out of the woods'

Positive beta - but LOW

Count down to beta

Too scared to POAS.

7 dp 3dt -Tuesday morning at 1am

4dp 3 dt

Transfer

Third time lucky!!!

What a week!!

Too Long

What now?!?

Big fat negative

Waiting waiting waiting

10 dp - 3dt

6dp - 3dt or cramps and gass

4 dp - 3dt

Two on board

ER is at 12.20 on Friday

My sister is a star

Monday scan

We have lift off

start delayed a week

Dates

We GO again

One week on

Sunday bloody sunday

Beta still rising

Bad news

Beta has RISEN

VERY low positive

Counting down and still no pee sticks

Beta Friday August 22nd

5 dpo - 3dt

Two on board

Transfer at 9.50 am Monday

7 eggs

ER is on Friday

8 follicles and an increase in FSH

We have finally started!

Start delayed one week

No more pill

Sniffing

We have DATES!!

GIANT step - donor eggs

On track

FIBROIDS - BE GONE!!

11dp3dt - ALL OVER

Cry baby 8dp3dt

6dp3dt

Home and happy - Day 3 transfer

Coming out on Saturday

Still in beta limbo land updated****